It's strange how one person can become so ingrained into your life that it's as if they're a part of you, a part of the very fabric that makes up your skin and the seams that hold your heart together. How, when they're gone for a few days, you're forced to notice the emptiness of the room or the extra hole in the toothbrush holder. How there's no weight on the other side of the bed, and you actually stay on your side without it.
It's only then that you realize how much you depend on that person; to clean the dishes from dinner, to put the baby's socks on before bed, to kill a roach quietly when the baby's asleep.
Some of you may know, and most of you do not, but two weeks prior, Todd was let go from his job at Target. A job that became a huge blessing when Aubrey was just a baby and I was able to stay home and raise him. A job that allowed Todd to be home at 2:30 on weekdays and have weekends and holidays off. It was something we knew was coming, but after months of nothing happening, we thought he'd dodged the bullet. We thought a miracle had happened. But then the news came and the decision was made and we were left wondering what would happen next.
With a baby on the way and a growing toddler, it's a scary thing to realize that you're income-less. You start to look at things a bit differently- like those five dollars that weren't a big deal before, and suddenly it's five dollars. Or how you're running out of every face product you own and buying them all would mean spending thirty dollars you suddenly don't have. The cell phones you thought you couldn't live without become a luxury. The car sits more often because driving is just too expensive. You're conscious of every decision you make, of every cent you spend. And then you feel guilty when you're out longer than expected, didn't bring enough food to eat, and end up having to buy a cheeseburger before you get sick.
And it's easy, especially at times like this when the situation takes your husband away from home for a few days, to be mad. To get emotional and angry and to blame someone. Because it has to be someone's fault, right? This can only mean heartache and struggle, right?
But then I think, what if it doesn't? What if this means something new, something better?
I'm not really sure that it does. What I do know is that I've been here before, not with kids and my own family, but as part of a family struggling to make ends meet. I've watched my dad work any job to put food on our table. I've watched him set his pride aside, take help when offered, and thank God for blessings that were small to others but huge for us.
So I know we'll get through this. I know that I am blessed to have friends and family who love us and support us. I know that I am blessed to have a husband who is humble and willing to do whatever needs to be done.
And I know that, even though at this very moment, I feel afraid and lonely and am holding back tears, I am not alone.
It's times like these that I'm reminded of how much I have, of how much I take for granted. Sometimes life knocks you down on your knees to get a different perspective- everything looks so much bigger when you're smaller, and it's only then that you realize you need help to carry the load.