Sure, I miss sleeping on my stomach. And yes, it'd be nice not to have to pee every two minutes, but I know that everything will be so different once he's here. And while I feel prepared for the changes, more so now than with Aubrey, I still feel the need to cling on to my family of three and settled routine.
Anyways, it still amazes me that I'm a mom. That there's a little person walking around outside of my body that needs me to feed him and bathe him and tuck him in at night. He calls for me when he's scared and yells at me when he thinks he can get away with it. I have to discipline, teach, learn, love, give... So many roles to play and so many shoes to fill.
A lot of the times, I feel incompetent. Unable to provide all of the things he's looking for and needs. Especially these past few weeks, with him being sick, and everyone insisting I take him to the doctor. Was it wrong of me to be hesitant, to hold back until he felt better and let the virus work it's way out? I don't think I'll ever know- some may say it's cruel to let their child be sick, others may say I did the right thing. But it's those decisions in motherhood that make us what we are- mothers. We're not given a rule book, guidelines, tips and tricks to follow. What may work for one mother may not work for another. And so we're flying blind through this trial where, as it happens, we're responsible for a life other than our own.
No pressure or anything.
Those moments of uncertainty and insecurity are far overshadowed by the immense amounts of love and fulfillment, and not necessarily the love that's received but the love that's felt. How I can look at Aubrey, even after he's been given a lollipop and demanding another with tears streaming down his face, and love him despite his ungratefulness and his full blown toddler temper tantrum. It's the feeling of possession during the midst of his getaway in the middle of the mall. It's the insistence that my own child is smarter and cuter and better than any other.
As mother's, we're expected to be above par. More patient and more kind and more loving, and while those things may be true some of the time, we're still human. We still get frustrated and annoyed and angry and yell. There are still times when I wish it was legal to shove him into a dog cage with a bowl of food and leave him to fend for himself. There are days when I have to remind myself that others don't get the opportunity to be a mom and wake up at the butt crack of dawn to a toddler in their face demanding that "the sun is up."
I've come to terms with all of these emotions, including the feelings of self doubt and failure. I've learned to accept the fact that some days I will feel like supermom, the house will be clean and dinner will be cooked before 6 P.M., and other days I'll still be in pajamas when Todd comes home and my biggest accomplishment will have been finishing the cheesy romance on my kindle.
I've finally figured out that MOM doesn't equate to PERFECT. They are not one and the same, no matter what the pictures or words say. Anyone who tries to tell you different is a big, fat liar. This road is as bumpy as it gets and the only thing we can do is wear a helmet and pray to God we all come out of the other end intact...
Oh, and remember to be thankful for the easy breezy days, because there will be some***
***But only just a few.
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. I hope you know that you're a winner, even when you feel like a loser.