Friday, July 25, 2014

Borrowed Prayers


13.4 lbs -- 24 in long

I always dread going to the well visit appointments. For most people, it's not a big deal. For me, it's nerve wracking. I hate having to tell the nurse that we're not vaccinating- I hate having to explain myself and my decisions. But I tell myself to buck up and stand up because it's one decision I won't back down from. We were able to find a doctor that's accepting of it, thank God. And so each visit is just that- a well visit.

They say things like, "He looks healthy," and "He's gaining weight perfectly" and I smile and agree because I notice those things, too. But no one ever expects the doctor to say something negative, something like, "I feel a fullness here that shouldn't be," and "His soft spot isn't really there." So I walked out of their office today with a referral for an abdominal ultrasound and so many questions. I didn't know that his big ol' belly could be more than just too much milk- I didn't know that a non-existent soft spot could be a bad thing. 

In some ways, I feel like I've failed him. I feel like I should have known to look for certain things.

Maybe we'll get the ultrasound and it'll be nothing. Maybe I'll keep an eye on his head and it'll end up being absolutely normal. Maybe it won't, and that's what's scary. Being a mom is scary.

For now, he's doing everything he's supposed to be doing and more. "Don't borrow trouble," is what my best friend told me. And I know she's right. I know that it doesn't do any good to worry. But praying? Praying I'll do. And maybe you can too.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Before and After

I had this idea that I would write so much more after Rory was born- that I would document all of the funny, the sad, the boring. I wanted to remember those first few weeks of being a mom of two. I was right about one thing- they are so, so special. But I was disillusioned to think that I would actually have the time to write with a newborn and a very jealous toddler.

So here I am, almost two months after Rory was born, and I'm here to tell you what it's like.

It's exhausting.
It's frustrating.
It's ungrateful.
It's wiping two butts and feeding two babies.
It's a lot of TV and a lot less sleep.

But it's also two times the love.

It's remembering things forgotten and quiet midnight feedings.
It's watching eyes light up and bonds form.

It's heart melting.
It's making memories.
It's learning.

I can't tell you that I've got it all down- that we're back on track, back to our scheduled programming. But we're getting there. Every day we get one thing right, even if we get three things wrong.

It's been a completely different experience this time around. After having Aubrey, I felt misplaced, alone. I felt like I was the only twenty year old on the face of the earth with a newborn and a baby pouch that, unfortunately, didn't disappear over night. The years that followed, although full of love, were also full of struggle. A constant battle to balance my new life- motherhood- with my old life- freedom. That's not to say that being a mother comes with shackles. I just had to learn that my new life was my son, and that was absolutely okay. Fulfilling, even. Basically, I had to have a change of heart, and that change came in the form of two pink lines.

A lot of things change when you're pregnant- your body, family dynamics, friendships, relationships in general. Some dissipated while others flourished. I embraced the changes, focused on growing a healthy child and raising a well adjusted toddler. And I feel as though those efforts have paid off. This time, when Rory cries all day, I find myself falling even more in love with him instead of handing him off to someone else. This time, I'm okay with missing out on the fun. I choose sleep over a movie and the park over the mall.

That's not to say that I don't crave me time or a girl's night. I'm still my own person, but I'm their person first.

That's what it's like with two babies- whole.

Before, I thought I had everything I needed. And after, I know for sure that I do.