Friday, July 25, 2014

Borrowed Prayers


13.4 lbs -- 24 in long

I always dread going to the well visit appointments. For most people, it's not a big deal. For me, it's nerve wracking. I hate having to tell the nurse that we're not vaccinating- I hate having to explain myself and my decisions. But I tell myself to buck up and stand up because it's one decision I won't back down from. We were able to find a doctor that's accepting of it, thank God. And so each visit is just that- a well visit.

They say things like, "He looks healthy," and "He's gaining weight perfectly" and I smile and agree because I notice those things, too. But no one ever expects the doctor to say something negative, something like, "I feel a fullness here that shouldn't be," and "His soft spot isn't really there." So I walked out of their office today with a referral for an abdominal ultrasound and so many questions. I didn't know that his big ol' belly could be more than just too much milk- I didn't know that a non-existent soft spot could be a bad thing. 

In some ways, I feel like I've failed him. I feel like I should have known to look for certain things.

Maybe we'll get the ultrasound and it'll be nothing. Maybe I'll keep an eye on his head and it'll end up being absolutely normal. Maybe it won't, and that's what's scary. Being a mom is scary.

For now, he's doing everything he's supposed to be doing and more. "Don't borrow trouble," is what my best friend told me. And I know she's right. I know that it doesn't do any good to worry. But praying? Praying I'll do. And maybe you can too.

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