We had ideas. We had goals and plans and desires and dreams. We learned quickly that it doesn't really matter, in the end, what you want or what you think you need. God gives, and he takes away. This little girl inside of me? She was not planned. I cried and questioned, confused as to why we had to lose one just to gain another barely one month later. Why go through the pain of loss and then the peace of acceptance, just to be thrown back into another cycle of fear and anxiety?
It took me weeks to come to terms with this baby. I thought I didn't want her- I thought she was going to make things so complicated. In those early weeks, I would sit and think about all the details. The "How will I work with a newborn?" details. The "Where will we put this baby in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment?" The "Rory will barely be 2 and he still needs me." thoughts.
I thought, "There's gotta be a good reason for this." And then, at our first appointment with the midwife at 10 weeks, when we were expecting to hear a heartbeat but heard nothing instead, I thought, "Not again. Please God, not again." I thought "I can't handle this." And then I thought, "I want this baby." It took the fear of her being gone for the humble thankfulness to settle in.
We eventually did hear the heartbeat, a skipping beat here, a longer rhythm there. She's hard to catch even now, when she's the size of a large onion and I can feel her tumbling around. As my belly grows, the worry dissipates. I stopped planning- I stopped setting expectations and wondering what we were going to do. I've realized that it's not my problem- it never was. We're kind of just along for the ride. I can trust that God knows our hearts and he hears our desires, that at the end of the day, where we end up is where we're meant to be.
So now we celebrate this baby, A GIRL.
"What will I do with a girl??" I ask myself constantly. What will she play with and will she love me as much as our boys do? Or will she be her daddy's little girl, him wrapped around her tiny finger? He's already spoiling her, saying things like "She needs the most perfect name. Nothing common will do." So we searched high and low, scoured websites and kept our eyes and ears open, waiting for the perfect name to reach us. Everything I mentioned Todd hated (I like unisex names, as evidence of our boys named Aubrey and Rory :D), and everything he mentioned just didn't sit well with me.
I thought we would never agree on a name, until we did. We saw it, we said it, and we knew it was the one.
Eliette- pronounced ehl-ee-eht, emphasis on the ette. It means "my God has answered."
Louise- pronounced loo-eez. It means "renowned warrior."
We thought it was fitting, seeing as she's our little rainbow baby, the answer to a prayer we didn't even know we were saying. She's already brought so much love into our bursting full hearts, and we can't wait to figure out the world of girl alongside her.